Grand Parents

The Influence of Grandparents and Stepgrandparents on Grandchildren

Over the past 20 years, increased attention has been given to the importance of grandparenthood. This newfound emphasis on grandparenthood and stepgrandparenthood is a reflection of the increased life span; adults are living longer and four- and five-generation families are more common. It's also a reflection of the importance of grandparents to grandchildren.
Grandparent Influence

Grandparents and stepgrandparents influence their grandchildren both directly and indirectly. Direct influences come from face-to-face interaction, and indirect influences are realized through a third party. Consider the phrase, "It's important to be there for your grandchildren." Being there is a concept that can mean physically being present (direct) or emotionally being present (indirect).

When you make phone calls, attend concerts together or take them places, you are directly influencing your grandchildren. When your grandchildren have been confronted with a situation and think about you, knowing you will be available to support them and that you're on their side, you are indirectly influencing them by emotionally being there. You are a role model to your grandchildren.

It's interesting to note the variety of terms used to refer to the many roles grandparents or stepgrandparents play. For example:

* Stress buffer
* Watchdog
* Arbitrator
* Roots/family historian
* Supporter

One national survey of grandparents reported that a variety of activities were engaged in with grandchildren such as:

* Joking and kidding
* Giving money
* Talking about growing up
* Giving advice
* Discussing problems
* Going to church/synagogue
* Providing discipline
* Taking a day trip
* Teaching a skill or game
* Watching TV together
* Talking about parent/child disagreements

Several writers have emphasized that grandparents are very important to grandchildren. They are described as "significant others who have a great deal to do with one's view of life." The intergenerational contact reflects a high value for family connection. Grandchildren exposed to such contact are less fearful of old age and the elderly. They feel more connected to their families.

A North Dakota study found that stepgrand-children tend to have less contact with their stepgrandparents and consider this relationship less important than grandchildren do with grandparents. However, the children surveyed also indicated a desire for more contact with stepgrandparents. Being a stepgrandparent can be more challenging than being a grandparent because the role is less clear. As more stepfamilies are formed, more attention will be given to stepgrandparenting, and the same influences or benefits found for grandparents will no doubt be found to be as important for stepgrandparents.

Making a Memory

Grandparents and stepgrandparents can make a lasting story of their lives for their grandchildren. These life stories grow in value to grandchildren as they grow older.

To capture one's life story, videotape significant events, people and places for present and future generations. Even if you're not handy with a video camera, your family will appreciate the commentary and memories shared as you visit points from your past and present.

It's easiest to do this project as a team, with one person taping and the other providing commentary and interviews. This also allows you to "star" in your own movie. So, select a partner and begin.

First, rent, lease, borrow or purchase a video camera. Next, buy some inexpensive videotapes and practice to get used to the machine and what it can and cannot do. When you feel comfortable with the camera, purchase some high-grade videotapes to use as your master copies for future duplicating.

Next, plan on paper who, what, when and where you will be taping.

Some ideas to consider may include:

Family

* Interview parents, siblings, children, cousins and others. Tell some favorite family tales; describe family holidays, sad occasions or any other memorable events.
* Show where your family lived. Take a tour of the house, if possible. Tell how it looked when you were growing up, the color of your room, who you shared the room with.
* Go to the cemetery and walk through the family plot. Death is a part of life. Were or are there family rituals related to caring for the family graves?
* What's your ethnic heritage? Are there things you'd like to share regarding ethnic customs? What does your name mean in your native language? Where did your ancestors come from? When did they emigrate to this country? How did they arrive? How old were they? Does anyone keep in touch with family from the "old country?" What are some of the special stories your family has passed down to each generation?

Education

* Where did you go to school? Tour the building and grounds, if possible.
* Who were your best friends during your school years? Interview them and tell of the things you used to do together.
* Did you have favorite teachers? Interview them, if possible. If not, tell why you enjoyed them or their classes so much.
* What extracurricular activities did you participate in? Do you have any news clippings, uniforms or awards to show for these? How about team photos?
* Did you go to college or a technical school? If so, where and when? What did you study? What were the highlights of these years?

Religion/Spirituality

* Do you have a special story to tell about your journey of faith?
* What aspects of your religion/spirituality are most important to you and why?

Neighborhood and Friends

* Who lived next door, down the road or on your block? Who did you know well and spend time with? Go visit them, and record reminiscing about the special things you used to do together. Bring out the photos, if possible.
* Take a drive through the neighborhood, videotaping the countryside and places that had special meaning as you were growing up. These might include the local grocery store where you bought "penny candy," the softball diamond, places you used to go for walks and where you went to church.
* Who were your friends throughout the years, and what qualities do you think make lifetime friends?

Marriage

* How did you meet your spouse? How long did you court/date before you got married? Where and how did the proposal happen?
* Where were you married? Tour the church/courthouse/chapel, if possible. Describe the ceremony and your wedding day. Who were your attendants? What colors were used? What Scripture or music did you select?
* Talk about your marriage if you feel comfortable. What makes your partner special? What traits do you admire most? Any interesting or fun stories to share?

Work

* Tell about the jobs you've had throughout your life, including homemaking. Tour where you worked last or are still employed. What were some of the greatest challenges in your work? What were you paid on your first job?
* Describe the volunteer work you've done over the years. These may have been in church, at school or as an elected official. What are the fondest memories of your volunteer work? What are the benefits of volunteering?

Extras

* The sky's the limit! Talk about hopes, dreams, regrets. Tell your favorite jokes. Visit about your favorite hobbies; show the finished products.

Once you've completed the taping, edit if necessary, and make copies for your children and grandchildren. Your history is captured for present and future generations to enjoy.

Other

Teaching Your Grandchild to Read

Today's children live in a video world. Images dance on television, computer screens, hand-held games. The images are accompanied by audio. What's missing? The mental images they can create by reading. The knowledge they can gain by reading. The importance of understanding the written word and the impact it will have on their lives.

As a Grandparent, you can make a significant contribution to your grandchild(ren)'s future by helping them learn to read. Sit with them. Read to them and help them gain an interest in books. Talk to them about what they like and get books on those topics. Be there to help them understand. Don't make it a lesson, make it an experience.

Libraries are doing their best to keep up with the needs of the day. But their direction seems to be gravitating toward electronic media and away from shelves of hardbacks. Lack of funds equates with a lack of new books covering modern topics. In California, for example, The web site wonderofreading reports the "average copyright date for a nonfiction public school library book in Southern California is 1982." And that "Some schools actually have books on their shelves that read: 'One day man will go to the moon.'"

The site also says that there's evidence that children who do not read by third grade often fail to catch up and are more likely to drop out of school, take drugs, or go to prison. Perhaps a bit extreme, but something to think about.

We mentioned this personal experience once before, but it bears repeating. One of our grandchildren visited us for a week at our summer cottage. We have no television or computer there. She was shocked. Instead, we have shelves of books for all age groups. Every night, we read together from books she chose. One afternoon, she asked if we could read something after lunch. And, at the end of the week, she proclaimed that she didn't miss the TV at all. We were happy to pack her favorite books for her to take home.

So, it comes back to you. Grandchildren love to do things with their Grandparents. If that's reading a book, our guess is that they'll enjoy it. And, so will you.

Helpful Advice For Protecting Your Grandchildren

Unfortunately, in today's society an article like this is important. Grandparents has compiled some helpful information from a variety of sources on precautions you may want to pass along to the parents of your grandchildren, just in case the child is missing. Remember, the odds are strongly against you ever needing this information. We pass it along to you not to raise concern, but as part of our grandparenting advice.

* The child should be taught his or her phone number and home address as soon as it can be committed to memory.
* Keep and regularly update a complete written description of each child. Include date of birth, color of hair and eyes, height, weight, unique physical attributes, and any other significant identifiers (braces, pierced ears, eyeglasses).
* Take color photographs of each child every six months. Photographs should be of high quality and in focus so the child is easily recognizable. Head and shoulder portraits from different angles, such as those taken by school photographers, are preferable.
* Make sure the dentist updates the child's dental charts each time an examination or dental work is performed.
* Know where the child's medical records are located. Medical records, particularly X-rays, can be invaluable in helping to identify a recovered child. It is important to have all permanent scars, birthmarks, blemishes and broken bones recorded.
* To deter strangers from approaching your child, avoid placing the child's name on the outside of his or her clothes. Children are less apprehensive of someone who knows their name.
* Arrange with your local police department to have your child fingerprinted. In order for fingerprints to be useful in identifying a person, they must be taken properly. Your police department has trained personnel to assist you. The police department will give you the fingerprint card and will NOT keep a record of the child's prints. We also understand that MetLife Auto & Home is making Free Fingerprinting and Identification Kits available on a national basis.
* Take advantage of the advances in scientific research by including a few strands of the child's hair in your records. This will provide a DNA sample which can be matched if needed.